What the HAYnes? That guy who fell asleep at the movies, he’s a real hero

HUMOR – By now most of Southern Utah has heard the tale of the man who fell asleep during the late showing of “Non-Stop” at St. George’s Megaplex Pineview Stadium Theater and was later presumed dead by theater employees, who hastily called 911 before listening for breathing or checking his pulse.

Responders found no medical emergency and awoke the snoozing theater-goer who then “went to the bathroom, splashed water on his face, and left,” said Jeff Whipple, vice president of marketing for Megaplex Theaters, as reported by St. George News.

The ordeal turned out to be disappointingly anticlimactic for both the theater employees and emergency responders, I imagine, but surprisingly this series of events has divided our usually united community into several camps.

There are those who speculate that the movie the man was seeing must have been really, really, REALLY boring. I have not seen “Non-Stop” but I have spent two minutes researching it on iMDB and can tell you that it stars Liam Neeson and therefore there is no possible way that that was the case.

There are some who call the incident a “waste of resources” and a “waste of EMT’s time.” They say that Megaplex Theaters should foot the bill.

“People call the police for the most pathetic stuff,” commented Donovan Bock on the St. George News Facebook page. “It’s like everyone’s a bunch of toddlers who have to go tell mommy and daddy about everything.”

Normally I would agree with Donovan, but not in this case. In my experience toddlers are particularly adept at waking up sleeping people, especially in the middle of the night.

There are those who opine that this news story does not, in fact, qualify as news. To quote Travis Hill: “Serious? Why would u post this? This is not news! So Dumb!!!!”

Well articulated, Travis Hill. And you raise a valid question. Why would a story about a man falling asleep during an action movie be considered newsworthy? Indeed, on the surface this news story does appear “Dumb!!!!”

However, if we dig deeper we find that this series of events speaks to a deeper issue that faces not only Southern Utahns but most Americans. That is that nobody – I don’t care how rich or poor, liberal or conservative, Mormon or not Mormon, Swig or Slurps Up! you are – nobody is getting enough sleep.

This mystery man, this enigmatic genius, was only doing what every other person who wakes up to an alarm clock has dreamed of doing every morning of his or her adult life: finding a cozy chair in a dark place and falling asleep.

Imagine how different the world would be if every person, for just one night, got eight hours of uninterrupted sleep. How much less irritable would drivers, parents of small children, customer service workers, or middle school P.E. teachers be? How many arguments would be prevented? Imagine how much more productive society would be. We would all be a little more mentally sharp, a little less prone to overeating, and a lot less likely to flip out at people who use bad grammar on the Internet.

That is why I am calling this man a hero. Come out of the shadows, mysterious movie sleeper. Receive the applause that you deserve. Unless you were napping – in that case, don’t let us disturb you.

Elise Haynes chronicles family life in her blog Haynes Family Yard Sale. Any opinions stated in this column are her own and not necessarily those of St. George News.

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9 Comments

  • Ixlan March 8, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Very good article. That’s why we’re moving back to our house in Central, Utah…so I can get 8 hours of sleep a night and enjoy life !!!!!

  • Lisa March 8, 2014 at 10:02 am

    lol! Good come back. I enjoyed you putting this into the right perspective for the people who are always “ready to attack”. I’ll bet this dude never forgets this event in his life. Hopefully, in the future, while at the Theater’s Group Employee Meetings-they can be taught first-aide and how to do CPR (in case the dude really did need ER help!)….just say’in.

  • Shanna March 8, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Bravo.

  • shanebobegan March 8, 2014 at 10:57 am

    This is the best follow up I have ever read on a story. Haha, everyone should get more sleep!

  • Nadia March 8, 2014 at 11:48 am

    This was comical and I fully enjoyed it. Hahaha

  • Jeff B March 8, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    Breaking News!!! Man walking down a sidewalk stumbles and scrapes his knee! Pssssshh.. Now this is news!!! Ha ha ha

  • Donovan Bock March 8, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I’ve been news’ed.

  • Bub March 8, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    THEY SHOULD POST AN INSTRUCTIONAL BULLETIN ON THE WALL FOR THE EMPLOYEES: “HOW TO TELL IF A PATRON IS DEAD OR JUST SLEEPING…”

  • Greg March 8, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    My relative thought this was me??………… I told them NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

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