Question
My mother is the absolute center of everything in the family and has been ever since I can remember.
Self-centered doesn’t begin to cover it. If she has a nail appointment over her granddaughter’s soccer game, it’s not even a question – she’s getting her nails done. If her face doesn’t look perfect in the family photo, it’s not getting put on the wall. If her kids aren’t hanging out with her because they want to hang out with just their brother or sister, it makes her mad.
She has to be involved with everything and she is incredibly judgmental and has caused a lot of pain, eating disorders, and pushing children away.
I am struggling because I want to have this loving, wonderful family, and every time I approach my mother with different issues I have, she freaks, claims I’m attacking her, starts screaming and shouting and it gets us nowhere.
Answer
What a painful situation for you and your entire family. I commend you for sticking with this and wanting to find a way to have a relationship with your mother. Even though she sounds like a relational minefield, I’m certain there are ways you can fit her into your life.
I encourage you to step back and work to depersonalize your mom’s outbursts. She clearly isn’t targeting one individual in the family. It seems like she’s had all of her emotional skin peeled off and anything that touches her makes her yelp in pain. Even though she’s highly reactive, recognize this isn’t personal.
If you make this personal, then you’ll spend all of your energy trying to fix, defend, and explain every interaction with her. Instead, step back and recognize how her reactivity is about her pain and fear instead of something you’re doing wrong.
When dealing with highly reactive people, we can drive ourselves crazy trying to take responsibility for making them act this way. The fact of the matter is that they are acting this way because they’re reactive. You don’t have the power to make someone behave badly.
You’re not going to be able to approach this in a logical and cooperative way with her. I don’t suggest you sit down with her to work out any type of agreement.
Instead, decide where she fits in best to your family life and stick to those limits. For example, if you feel like one contact per month matches the energy you want to dedicate to this relationship, you’ll need to politely and firmly excuse yourself from other interactions. If you take on more than you can emotionally handle out of guilt or obligation, you will become resentful.
I also discourage you from trying to analyze and figure out why she does what she does. For some unknown reason she’s acting in a self-centered and selfish way. It’s been this way forever and you can spend a lot of your precious time spinning in circles with your siblings and spouse trying to figure out the “hows” and “whys” of her behavior.
Instead, accept the reality that she will do what’s best for her, that she will become reactive, and that she will stir up contention. Then, you can stop being surprised every time it happens and simply move forward with the boundaries you’ve set up to protect yourself and your family.
You can still love and honor your mother even though she’s behaving in a way that causes tension. Find the place where she fits in best and know that you’re being as inclusive as you can.
Go easy on her fragility as a human being. As the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” It’s not your job to fix her hurt, but I do believe we all can be a little more compassionate and sensitive to the struggles of others. We can’t always know why people are the way they are, but we can always treat them with compassion and respect.
Stay connected!
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Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.
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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2015, all rights reserved.
Sounds like a classic case of “TOXIC MOM!” Why don’t you do some research, both on the internet and at the library on dealing with toxic people.
You cannot change another person, no matter how hard you try. And perhaps, in this instance, you really don’t need to change yourself either.
You have your life and your family and your job. There should be enough drama in that, without having to deal with this situation.